Whom to Blame for Your Neuroses

1. your parents, the obvious choice

2. the significant other who bought you a gym membership for your birthday

3. your arch-nemesis (just because)

4. catholic schooling

5. your seventh grade math teacher who used to give you weird looks

6. your ballet instructor who was always going on about “derrieres”

7. your ex(es)

8. that jerk who sat behind you in second grade

9. the spice girls (for pointing out that you must ‘spice up your life,’ thus confirming it isn’t spicy enough already)

10. me (because i’m better than you, not to rub it in)

 

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How to Overstay Your Welcome

1. store a machete in the bedroom closet

2. set the kitchen on fire

3. reorganize everything in a system that only makes sense to you

4. eat everything in the fridge with no intention of replacing it

5. change the locks

6. invite your significant other to also live on the couch

7. proceed to have lots of sex on all the furniture, preferably when everyone is home

8. make as much noise as possible between the hours of 2-6am

9. start a band; practice at home

10. blog obviously about the person you’re staying with in a way that is obvious to everyone, including that person

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Are You Really Going to Eat That?!?!

What to Give Up For Lent:

1. guilt

2. honesty: don’t tell people how you really feel. be nice for a change.

3. caffeine (just kidding… see: https://autistichipster.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/if-i-were-cut-off-from-caffeine/)

4. paperwork: you can coast by for 40 days

5. deadlines: if you claim it’s for a religious reason, can anyone really say anything?

6. making a fool of yourself (good luck)

7. your arch-nemesis. this 40-day truce will make her drop her guard too, so 40 days later you can seek the ultimate revenge. this way everyone wins.

8. cleaning: find peace in the chaos

9. sarcasm (yeah, right)

10. political correctness

11. your mother-in-law

12. returning phone calls

13. health food

14. exercise

15. lent (unless you gave up irony for the season)

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How to Be a Hipster: Lesson Two

the importance of posing:

1. finding a dark corner will improve your air of mystery

2. the bigger the hat, the cooler you are

3. purchase a french bulldog and take her/him with you everywhere – literally, everywhere

4. never wash away the stamp from the venue you were at last night/last weekend/last year – without that stamp you’ll never remember the good times you’ve had

5. to prove you are the ultimate bad ass, try smoking indoors

6. live beyond your means. you deserve to have the universe provide for you – after all, you are the ultimate in cool

7. only ever wear vintage – or homemade – apparel

8. be a vegan (at least in public, when people are watching….)

9. add an extremist label (at least in theory) to yourself. for example: anarchist

10. the brighter the hair, the more dedicated you are to the cause

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What to Buy Your Arch-Nemesis for her Birthday

1. a lovely sweater in a fabric she’s allergic to

2. tickets to a junior beauty pageant

3. a one-way ticket to somewhere far, far away

4. a check you plan to cancel

5. an adorable dead puppy

6. directions to her surprise party to which no one else was invited

7. salmonella

8. a recording of you laughing demonically at her

9. manure

10. chocolate-covered crack rocks

11. a photo album filled with photos of you holding/wearing/doing everything she asked for for her birthday

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On Communication

only acceptable reasons for you to not respond to my text/call/gchat/fb wall posting/etc. within an  hour:

1. you are on an international flight (though you should have brought me  with you)

2. your phone is at the bottom on the atlantic, pacific or indian ocean

3. you are in a coma (though i probably should have been notified… why am i not your emergency contact?!?!)

4. you have amnesia (though i know that even in this state you could never forget  me, you may forget how to use a cell phone)

5. you have alexia (look it up)

6. you’re being held hostage and they’ve taken your cell phone

7. i am sitting next to you

8. we’re currently in the midst of the apocalypse (on second though, you should be desperately trying to reach me in this situation)

9. you’re performing live on broadway

10. you are dead

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10 Best Unconventional Things to Yell on an Airplane

1. is anyone else getting any service up here? (could be about your phones; could be about your flight attendant…)

2. anyone need a doctor yet?

3. raise your hand if you voted republican in 2004!

4. (anything in tongues – especially if you’re rolling down the aisle while yelling it)

5. the mile-high club is overrated!

6. has anyone seen my tarantula?

7. does anyone have a tampon i could borrow?

8. (any shakespearean speech should do the trick)

9. (while banging on bathroom door) excuse me! i believe i left my lighter in there!

10. lady, get your hands off my nuts!

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