What to Buy Your Arch-Nemesis for her Birthday

1. a lovely sweater in a fabric she’s allergic to

2. tickets to a junior beauty pageant

3. a one-way ticket to somewhere far, far away

4. a check you plan to cancel

5. an adorable dead puppy

6. directions to her surprise party to which no one else was invited

7. salmonella

8. a recording of you laughing demonically at her

9. manure

10. chocolate-covered crack rocks

11. a photo album filled with photos of you holding/wearing/doing everything she asked for for her birthday

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