Letter to Trader Joe’s

Dear Trader Joe’s,

While shopping at your New York Union Square location today I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a lavender pouch. I quickly grabbed it off the shelf to further examine the pretty packaging. Powerberries. I had no idea what a powerberry was, but I decided, despite my usual frugalness, to purchase them, to “give them a whirl,” as one might say.

After purchasing the Powerberries (still intrigued by the name, but more on this later), I dragged my very heavy bags of groceries to the subway. While waiting for the train, the thought occurred to me to perhaps sample one of these mysterious berries. I dug the lovely lavender satchel from the bottom of my grocery bag and happily tore open the tab. BUT ALAS! The bag of Powerberries did not open! I struggled fervently with the bag but it would not budge! I pulled with my hands. I pulled with my teeth. I asked a fellow commuter to “give it a whirl,” but she could not get the darn thing open either. I was anguished.

Anguished! Never have I so desperately wanted a berry – power or otherwise!

After a 35-minute crisis with the Powerberries tempting me with their promise of a “sweet, tart and rich taste sensation all at once!” I returned home. Beleaguered after the long powerberry battle, I slumped into a chair in the kitchen. After regaining strength (and putting away the groceries which demanded refrigeration, rather than the sweat and blood drained by the Powerberries) I found my scissors. In a last ditched effort I stabbed open the lavender bag, wounding its stubborn side. At last, the Powerberries were mine!

While the Powerberries did rejuvenate my spirit, I still carry with me the battle scars from my earlier struggle. While Powerberries did give me the power I needed to begin the tough road to recovery after the dramatic bag opening getting to their delicious source of power (I told you I’d cover the name later), it was a draining effort. I beg you to please make your lovely lavender packages of Powerberries easier to open, easier to enjoy, easier to fall in love with.

That is all. I really just wanted to get that off my chest, to share my emotional perils with someone who her/himself could understand the allure of the tantalizing Powerberries.

Much love,

AH

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Things You Should Never Find in Your Fridge

1. live animals

2. milk expired for over 2 years

3. your sense of humor

4. your extra set of keys

5. your sanity

6. miscellaneous body parts (ex. those belonging to ex-boyfriends)

7. cash (unless you take cold, hard cash literally)

8. your soul

9. childhood memories

10. your sex life

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How to Survive a Cold

1. complain as much as possible so that people are nice to you and get you whatever you want/need

2. drink lots of orange juice

3. call everyone you know to tell them about your cold so they all feel sorry for you

4. drink lots of herbal tea

5. guilt your significant other into making/feeding you soup (preferably homemade)

6. get plenty of rest

7. change facebook status to alert everyone to just how sick you are, in case they’ve forgotten the phone call

8. take hot baths

9. whine until your significant other gives you massages – to cure your cold, of course

10. spend an extra day in bed, just in case you haven’t completely recovered yet

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How to Get What You Want

1. determine what it is that you want

2. go get it

3. do not procrastinate, dilly dally, fuck around, meander your way over… (you get the idea)

4. do not second guess your ability to get whatever/whomever it is you want

5. be bold

6. say what you mean (see #3)

7. mean what you say

8. see “whom to blame for your neuroses” and forget everything those people ever told you – what do they know anyway?

9. get what you want – mission accomplished

10. pat yourself on the back – you are awesome and anyone who can’t recognize this probably sucks, so who cares what they think anyway

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How to Pack Like a Pro

1. pack every piece of technology you own

2. forget to pack any and all chargers

3. because you failed to plan for the trip, pack everything (literally everything) you own, just in case; use maybe 1/8 of what you packed

4. forget the following: toothbrush, underwear, a pair of shoes aside from the crappy sneakers you plan to wear on the plane, contact solution…

5. pack 3 socks, not 3 pairs, just 3 socks

6. go through the trouble of checking-in online and printing your boarding pass only to leave the boarding pass at home

7. realize at the airport that your credit card and id are still at the bar from last night

8. think “fuck! now i’m going to have to leave that bitch a 20% tip!”

9. realize too late that your expensive moisturizers, perfume/cologne, hair products… are in your carry-on and will be thrown away by the evil tsa

10. wait 4 hours to check in again only to learn you’re at the wrong airport

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The Aftermath of St. Patrick’s Day

while drunk texts are embarrassing, drunk cover letters can do more damage. here is an example:

Dear [wrong company name] HR,

I would be the perfect fit for you’re store because you hire pretty brunettes and I’m a pretty brunette so I’d blend in.

We totally just met at a bar. I culn’t remember why you gave me your card. I thought firtinmg because your hot but then my friend was totallylike no its for that job. so IM sending you thiis stuff.
My resumee is at home. i can send it when we leave the bar. Ok??

xox,

aussdftistic hipster

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Before You Even Think About Taking Me Home…

please answer the following yes/no questions:

1. do you have any hobbies/passions (aside from yourself)?

2. do you have a huge… vocabulary?

3. are you excited at the prospect of new things? (and I don’t just mean in bed, though that’s nice too)

4. does ambition turn you on?

5. do you read for fun? (and I don’t mean “the articles” in maxim)

6. do you recognize the following: aristotle, jane austen, dr. seuss, joe biden (despite how you feel about him), michelangelo (and i don’t mean the ninja turtle)?

7. do you want to hold my hand? Even in public? Even in front of your friends?

8. do you like listening to me as much as you like kissing me?

9. do you have more than one interesting story to tell?

10. do you prefer to think of life as an adventure?

11. do you find me excruciatingly beautiful?

12. will you call me tomorrow?

*if you answered ‘yes’ to 1-12, what are you doing friday night?

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